A New Year... and yet another new beginning

Last night, after just returning to NYC from a few weeks spent with my family in the sticks, I hopped on the computer to check my messages. I am greeted with an email informing me of a comment on my blog (the one and only comment so far) from The Last Chance Texaco asking me "Hey. Where'd you go? this is fucking important." Wow! It didn't take much thought to realize that he's right. It is fucking important. And I have been remiss. I had the idea to start this blog way back in August and it seemed like a good idea and very doable back then. It was a good idea. However, I was so early in my recovery, something that I take very seriously, that I underestimated the amount of time and emotional energy recovery would require. As such, I never got back around to blogging. 


But I am back... and I have some good news to report. First and foremost I am still clean and sober... but for the grace of God. It has been a lot harder than I thought. When I first sat down to blog back in August, I was feeling cocky about my new found sobriety. Today, I am a lot more humble about where I am in the process and have a lot more respect for those who have a great deal of clean time under their belts. It is truly no small feat to break yourself free from the grip of the bitch I call Tina. Alone she is a nasty, controlling, conniving bitch. But unfortunately, she doesn't act alone. All of her friends, those persistent, parasitic leaches that seem to be everywhere she is, are just as determined to keep you in her grasps, so they can continue to feed off you as they have in the past. So... for a while, I went off the grid so to speak. I needed to stay away from online access, as it was my connection to not only the drug but the sex parties that went hand in hand with my use. It is only recently that I felt strong enough to be able to go online and avoid the temptation to go looking for the people, places and things that fueled my addiction.


I have some other good news as the New Year starts. In mid-December I completed a 8 week/24 session intensive HIV/AIDS Education and Substance Abuse Training Program, It was a life altering experience for me. It gave me much needed information and tools needed to combat both my afflictions and addiction. I strongly and whole-heartedly recommend this or similar training programs for those in NYC battling addiction and/or who are afflicted with or affected by with HIV/AIDS. For me, participating in this program gave the clarity to finally realize what God had planned for me. I have for some time, since rock bottom, believed that all of this happened in my life for a reason. Even my mother suggested to me that possibly God had some other plan for me and perhaps he intended me to use my life experiences, both good and bad, to do something to help others. I think I finally realized what my mission in life is. 
And that leads me to my next piece of positive news.


Starting on January 19th, I begin a six month/350-hour Credentialed Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Counselor (CASAC) diploma program. I hope to be able to use my previous profession background in patient outreach in the pharmaceutical industry (yes, slightly ironic I know) and my own personal experiences as an addict to help others battle their addiction. As I said, in my first, and up until now my only, post I hoped that the story that I would communicate would also have a happy ending. I think though I first need to talk about how I got where I am today. So for a while at least, I will try to honestly recall the events that led me to this point in my life. I think I need to again warn you however, that a lot of what I will share is unpleasant, graphic, disturbing and unfortunately for me... not flattering in the least. If you think that frank, blunt and unfiltered discussions of substance abuse and sexual deviance, particularly of a homosexual nature, will make you uncomfortable, then I suggest that this may not be a blog for you to continue reading. So consider yourself warned.


Lest you think, from the good news I shared with you today, that everything is coming up roses... it's not. While there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I still have a long, long way to go. Every day of recovery itself is a challenge and as well, I continue to deal, on a daily basis, with the repercussions of my drug use. I am still co-infected with HIV and HCV. I am still unemployed, though hopefully once I get my CASAC diploma that will no longer be the case. In the meantime however, I am struggling to survive in NYC on a truly meager amount of public assistance. Yet I know and am eternally grateful to be blessed with even that. I sincerely believe that in my own personal situation, that it is a hand-up not a handout. I look forward to being able, someday soon, to not only discontinue receiving benefits but to also be able to pay it forward.


So for today, I promise to be make a consistent and earnest attempt to live up to at least my own initial expectations for this blog. While I cannot guarantee daily posts, I can say that I will do my best to post regularly.