OK... where were we?

Last time we talked I typed, I was at the point of deciding whether or not to continue living the lie that I was living. Again, it requires almost no intelligence whatsoever to figure out that I decided to come to terms with who I really was, at least as it related to my sexual orientation. I am not going to go into a great deal of detail about the process of "coming out" of my marriage. The how and why and when are not really important. Suffice it to say though that it was neither easy nor enjoyable. I should note however that this was the first time that I seriously, albeit briefly, engaged in mental health therapy including psychotropic medications. I now know this is something I should have continued doing but did not. In any event, at Julie's request, I spent almost a year living with her after coming out. This was without a doubt one of the emotionally challenging periods of my life, as I am sure it was for her as well.

Within a year however, I found myself relocated to NYC... a place where I never envisioned myself living. I was fortunate that I continued my upward progress career-wise. So I was in a somewhat stable situation as I set out to start my life over again. I also found myself already in a committed should have been committed what turned out to be "discretely open" gay relationship in NYC. In other words, he was in an open relationship and so discrete about it that I didn't know. The nearly four years spent in this relationship would provide much of the baggage that would put me on the path to rock bottom several years later. Now mind you, I choose the baggage through a series of really bad decisions as it related to the relationship itself and how I managed the eventual breakup. But the mistake that set the tone for all the bad decisions to follow was going right from my marriage to a long term relationship that I really was not prepared to be in. I didn't know how to be gay let alone how to be in a gay relationship. I should have learned a lot more about my new life before jumping in to that. But what's done is done.

A preface... who am I and how did I get here

In order to be able to share my journey with you, I think I should first share a little bit of a road map with you to help you understand how I got to where I am. In order to know who I am as a person today, you need to know who I was and what I have gone trough.

To start with, I should tell you that I am a 40-something year old, white, gay man who is living in one of the outer boroughs of NYC. I am struggling to live with HIV and Hepatitis C while also fighting to hold onto my recovery as a crystal meth addict (knock on wood). I am very much alone on my journey at the time. Hopefully, that will eventually not be the case. But it is what it is at the moment, and I have no choice but to deal with it. "Dealing" with things, however has never been one of my strong suits, which is part of the reason I find myself in the situation I am currently in.

A New Year... and yet another new beginning

Last night, after just returning to NYC from a few weeks spent with my family in the sticks, I hopped on the computer to check my messages. I am greeted with an email informing me of a comment on my blog (the one and only comment so far) from The Last Chance Texaco asking me "Hey. Where'd you go? this is fucking important." Wow! It didn't take much thought to realize that he's right. It is fucking important. And I have been remiss. I had the idea to start this blog way back in August and it seemed like a good idea and very doable back then. It was a good idea. However, I was so early in my recovery, something that I take very seriously, that I underestimated the amount of time and emotional energy recovery would require. As such, I never got back around to blogging. 


But I am back... and I have some good news to report. First and foremost I am still clean and sober... but for the grace of God. It has been a lot harder than I thought. When I first sat down to blog back in August, I was feeling cocky about my new found sobriety. Today, I am a lot more humble about where I am in the process and have a lot more respect for those who have a great deal of clean time under their belts. It is truly no small feat to break yourself free from the grip of the bitch I call Tina. Alone she is a nasty, controlling, conniving bitch. But unfortunately, she doesn't act alone. All of her friends, those persistent, parasitic leaches that seem to be everywhere she is, are just as determined to keep you in her grasps, so they can continue to feed off you as they have in the past. So... for a while, I went off the grid so to speak. I needed to stay away from online access, as it was my connection to not only the drug but the sex parties that went hand in hand with my use. It is only recently that I felt strong enough to be able to go online and avoid the temptation to go looking for the people, places and things that fueled my addiction.

The first step

Hi... I am an addict.

They say the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have an addiction. And it isn't as easy to do as it sounds. I, like many other addicts, like to think they can manage their addiction instead of the other way around. However, usually it isn't always the case. In my case, I am not sure it's true and even if it is right now, it hasn't always been.

I have decided to start this blog as a way of documenting my story. It is absolutely not the feel good hit of the year. It is a tale of how a successful, professional, educated, well traveled, established guy went from being married with a great paying job and a nice house full of all the modern amenities to someone who spent a few weeks homeless spending nights on park benches or hopping from one drug fueled sex party to the next just for a place to spend the night. It will tell how I went from traveling the world to not being firmly planted in the real world. It speaks to how running from reality became nearly drowning in it. I hope to share how I went from having tons of friends who I spent quality time with and who cared about me to being surrounded by drug seeking parasites, who only cared about doing themselves and taking advantage of me to the fullest extent that I would allow them... and unfortunately, I gave them great latitude.

I should warn you now, this isn't a pretty story. I am afraid I am not going to come out looking like the intelligent person I once thought I was. And sadly, the things I have done and the decisions I have made are not likely to endear me to the readers of this blog. I intend on keeping the blog anonymous to allow myself to be as honest as possible with the things that I write, as I am sort of using this as part of my therapy. Hopefully it will help me to discover the truth, and allow me the insights needed to guide my own recovery. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. But the good news, it hopefully is going to have a happy ending. Because ultimately, it's also the story of my recovery and of how I took my life back. So, here we go folks. Stay tuned.

Welcome to Disturbia

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas, in the red, can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it
On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind, it can control you
It's too close for comfort

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia

Faded pictures on the wall, it's like they talking to me
Disconnecting on calls, the phone don't even ring
I gotta get out or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort, oh

It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise


Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia, disturbia

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to maintain but I'm struggling
If you can't go-o-o
I think I'm gonna ah, ah, ah, ah

Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?
Disturbia, ain't used to what you like
Disturbia, disturbia

Lyrics to Disturbia by Rihanna